Call me whatever you like; I am who I must be.

What’s wrong is that every morning and every night, I lie in bed wondering why you’re not beside me — K.A. Tucker

Three days left before June turns into July,
This afternoon when I saw it was raining, I realized it was June and it was raining. Remember a poem from Sapardi Djoko Damono ‘Hujan Di Bulan Juni’

tak ada yang lebih bijak
dari hujan bulan Juni
dihapusnya jejak-jejak kakinya
yang ragu-ragu di jalan itu

I am writing while listening to Frank’s New York, New York song, Manhattan was my dreams city when I was 10 years old, I always imagined myself sitting on an old chair in the middle of a city park in front of a fountain, reading a book in the spring. When we are kids, we don’t need anyone, we don’t mind being alone and don’t count how many people are around us, we just fine.
Then we grow up, work, live alone, grow old, and get lost in between.

Anxiety, afraid, and everything becomes so blurry and dark. Death is also not something that can be planned, trying to control everything but tiring, til you end up rotting, aging, and pitiful.

OH NO!
enough the sad session, just make it a bit dramatic so more interesting right?
No more sex, no more club, no more drunk and dancing alone like a crazy one. No more Tinder or any dating app, cuz everyone just boring AF. It’s getting hard and difficult for me to connect to others, it’s just wasting my time. Why so many stupid people exist.

The thing about being single is, you should cherish it. Because, in a week, or a lifetime, of being alone, you may only get one moment. One moment, when you’re not tied up in a relationship with anyone. A parent, a pet, a sibling, a friend. One moment, when you stand on your own. Really, truly single. And then… It’s gone — How To Be Single

I like being alone. I like having no expectations. I like playing music too loud. I like dancing by myself. I like forgetting the world. But sometimes I get lost there. I don’t like being gone without a guide. I don’t like forgetting a dance step and having no one to remind me what it was. Because there’s some voids music can’t fill and there’s an emptiness that expectations chase away. I like being alone, but being lonely, that terrifies me.

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